misgiving

I refuse to hear the truth. I choose to believe that things can go back to how they were like nothing happened. This was my greatest fear. And that horror has happened. How do you choose between the earth and soul? How do you survive a battle within yourself?

I have no regrets and I know I would take the same path if I come across it once more. But that does not give me comfort. What would? It is heartbreaking to tell a wonderful miracle as if it was a horrible tragedy. Yet the aftermath hunts me.

These days I content myself with the thought that I am working things out. I convince myself each day that all these efforts are not dire. I wallow at night as I bid myself goodnight. I have hope that I will survive this. I have hope that I can do this.

We do things for two reasons – because we want to and because we have to. This I did because I want to and more so I have to. And though we are aware of the consequences, we will never be prepared for the dismay once it occurs. All we have is the fulfillment that we got what we want and we did what needed to be done.