some mornings

Some mornings I wake up and ask myself, did I really think I can do this?

My heart is filled with thick, black smoke. I have everything figured out since I was 7. I knew what I wanted to become and I was firm about it. I made that decision long before adults would start asking kids “what do you want to be when you grow up”. I was a grown up even before I began growing. I have everything mapped out – school, work, career, family, old age, death.

Indeed all these things happened. Some did not materialize exactly as I thought it would be but overall, I was on schedule. I have thought about all the emotions I would go through as well and surprisingly, I was not wrong to any of it. I may have missed a feeling or two but otherwise, all is well.

Some mornings I wake up and ask myself, did I really think I can make it?

I walked out of the bright room into the darkness. I puffed a smoke of cigarette in the middle of the icy backyard of the basement of a house we call home. My lungs are filled with fresh air as I inhaled the tarry, dirty, smoke. It’s odd how I breathe better with smoke.

I went back to the bright room and I am just spent. I have lost myself in a matter of weeks. I make coffee but never have the chance to taste it anymore. I think of brushing my teeth but don’t remember doing it. I hold my hair brush in my tired hands but my hair remained a mess. Where did myself go?

Some mornings.. may be I won’t wake up no more.

Pitong taon

Pitong taon bago ang ngayon

Naghintay ako at di naglaon

Nagkakilala kung saan nag-umpisa

Ang pagmamahalang walang nag-akala

Pitong taon mula kitang makilala

Nag-iba ang mundo at napuno ng alaala

Mga bagong karanasan at kaligayahan

Ang pumuno sa puso at isipan

Pitong taon hanggang kasalukuyan

Tayo ay kinasal at nagkatuluyan

Lumipas ang panahon pero hindi ang pagsuyo

Na kailanman ay hindi maglalaho

Pitong taon patungo sa hinaharap

Tayo ay mananatili sa may alapaap

Ngayon ay magkakaroon na ng supling

Na sa ating pagtanda ay gagabay at babaling

captured on video

Just about to sleep one night when I decided to watch my parents’ video on my phone I felt a pang of pain when I saw my Lolo on the video. I can still remember that moment when he was so energetic and laughing. Now I heard he’s sick and getting weaker. I cannot imagine how my dad might have been feeling right now. Then I saw my parents.-my dad giving my mom a teased kiss while he sang. I could not help but cry because somehow, I’ve seen how this family struggled to stand again and again after every failure. How my mom endured all the pain for the peaceful relationship we’ve now achieved. Then I looked at my dad smiling and singing. I don’t see him like that, much often and I couldn’t help but wish that those moments on the video would be a regular scene. But it isn’t. I couldn’t’ help but think of the future when they would be old and now my greatest fear of being alone is clearly defined of the why – because I am scared to wake up one day finding out that my parents aren’t the 30’s they used to be. I hate for them to get old and be weak. I thought about my own family suddenly - that I too would be where they are – with old parents and children videotaping us doing silly things. I’m crying now not of the sadness but of gratefulness that even if my family seemed so dysfunctional on a lot of obvious reasons and aspects, I’m proud of this family. I wouldn’t trade it for any. How I wish I grew up faster and they age old slower so we could have more time spent being friends and buddies.

Heaven won’t wait so don’t hold back.

the family man

I was sitting on my bed reading my messages on my inbox when I was interrupted by an incoming call and I was surprised to see who it was. She usually asks me to call her – it’s my Mom. She told me they’re going to the province tonight. Uncle Ed left us and they just found out.
Death is inevitable and it is a certainty – we just don’t know when it’s gonna come for us. People always tell us that it comes when we least expect it – of course! Not unless we could peg a date on our calendar and prepare ourselves for it entirely. Even those whose days are counted cannot say when for sure. This makes me want to hate surprises.
I didn’t have time to ask Mom any more questions. They are bringing Uncle to Bicol where he will be settled. He came from the province yesterday and Mom said they still had time to talk and throw a few jokes with him. I guess that was the final goodbye. It is a wonderful way to leave if you ask me. To be able to see your family one last time before you go. I wonder how Uncle Ed felt the day before, the last time he shut his eyes to sleep, the last thing he thought of, the last prayer he said and the last plan he made.
I had the chance to know him when he stayed at our home for a few months when I was a kid. He loves dogs and he cooks superb. I didn’t get the chance to talk to him as an adult and exchange opinions about politics and nature or life. But I know he’s one to talk to.
I’m not sure if I will be there to see him off but I offer this prayer for him.
Dear God, our beloved Uncle Ed has finally returned to you. We thank you for sharing him with us. We thank you for giving us a chance to know such a family man. He helped raise his siblings and deserve the honor of whatever his siblings have achieved and become. He may not have a family of his own but truly he showed he could be a good father. We know he’s now at peace with you and the rest of our family who went on ahead of us. We pray that you take his soul in your care and bring him to eternal peace. We know that he will still be looking after all of us, there, with you. We love you Uncle Ed. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.