misgiving

I refuse to hear the truth. I choose to believe that things can go back to how they were like nothing happened. This was my greatest fear. And that horror has happened. How do you choose between the earth and soul? How do you survive a battle within yourself?

I have no regrets and I know I would take the same path if I come across it once more. But that does not give me comfort. What would? It is heartbreaking to tell a wonderful miracle as if it was a horrible tragedy. Yet the aftermath hunts me.

These days I content myself with the thought that I am working things out. I convince myself each day that all these efforts are not dire. I wallow at night as I bid myself goodnight. I have hope that I will survive this. I have hope that I can do this.

We do things for two reasons – because we want to and because we have to. This I did because I want to and more so I have to. And though we are aware of the consequences, we will never be prepared for the dismay once it occurs. All we have is the fulfillment that we got what we want and we did what needed to be done.

the good and the bad

It is hard to forget how dark an empty room is than to recall how flashy and bright a red carpet hall is.

While children are playing in the newly installed playground at school, I was sitting in a far away bench contemplating on how I can turn my life around. I was 5 then. Innocence is bliss and it escaped me even before I realize it exists. At times I would think I was robbed of childhood. I was robbed of the joy it has to offer because of certain circumstances that are either mine or the world’s fault. It is depressing to talk about it but the feeling today when I try to recall the details isn’t so bad. In fact, I would choose the same path if I have to go through it again; not that I want to do that though.

I decided to keep up with unnecessary torture thinking it was what I deserve. I was foolish to think that people who surrounded me were worth all the sacrifice. One ordinary night it just occurred to me that they aren’t and that my values are much more important. I finally knocked myself awake and realized that I cannot give in to be trapped in an abyss and let myself be swallowed by darkness completely. I figured out a way out of that endless, dark and stinky tunnel that is the result of lack of self confidence.

I remember that day when I walked into a hallway full of unrecognized faces. I decided I wanted to do it alone. I walked past the unfamiliar faces trying to ignore anyone who might know me. I walked fast enough so no one can catch up to me. I found my name in that wall full of so many other names. I made the list – finally. Everything went white and I was numb with joy. I wanted the world to stop and just savor that once in a lifetime feeling.

It is hard to forget the pain and sorrow but it is when we learn the most; than to recall how flashy and bright a red carpet hall is but that moment urges us to keep going.

some mornings

Some mornings I wake up and ask myself, did I really think I can do this?

My heart is filled with thick, black smoke. I have everything figured out since I was 7. I knew what I wanted to become and I was firm about it. I made that decision long before adults would start asking kids “what do you want to be when you grow up”. I was a grown up even before I began growing. I have everything mapped out – school, work, career, family, old age, death.

Indeed all these things happened. Some did not materialize exactly as I thought it would be but overall, I was on schedule. I have thought about all the emotions I would go through as well and surprisingly, I was not wrong to any of it. I may have missed a feeling or two but otherwise, all is well.

Some mornings I wake up and ask myself, did I really think I can make it?

I walked out of the bright room into the darkness. I puffed a smoke of cigarette in the middle of the icy backyard of the basement of a house we call home. My lungs are filled with fresh air as I inhaled the tarry, dirty, smoke. It’s odd how I breathe better with smoke.

I went back to the bright room and I am just spent. I have lost myself in a matter of weeks. I make coffee but never have the chance to taste it anymore. I think of brushing my teeth but don’t remember doing it. I hold my hair brush in my tired hands but my hair remained a mess. Where did myself go?

Some mornings.. may be I won’t wake up no more.

I hold the lever

I woke up quite confused in the middle of the night. I was huffing, brows crossed as my eyes adjust to the darkness of the room. I had a dream or a memory, I was unsure. Some thoughts do linger. They linger longer than they should that it starts to bother you. It creeps into your head and walks around it you end up dreaming of it. Then your paranoia-inspired brain suggests that the dream means more than what it really is. You try your hardest to explain your thoughts that became a dream which evolved into a subconscious desire for it to be real. You eventually confuse yourself if it started with a thought or was it a feeling that finally embodied itself.

Some dreams stay vivid even after you wake up, take a shower and have a cup of coffee. So vivid that you’re able to go back to it, dissect each scene as if you’re writing a blog review for a movie you’ve just seen. It is so clear in your mind that you can see through skin pores and remember the feeling of being on it as words are exchanged from you and the characters is your little story book.

Some dreams however long they seem to be just disappears in your memory as soon as you open your eyes. And you are just left with memories of how it felt – happiness, pain, excitement, wanting and fear. And no matter how much you try to recall, the devil has stolen it forever. But you are certain if it was a bad or great dream.

I used to have some awful nightmares when I was a kid and my cousin taught me how to divert them as simple as changing a channel on your television. She told me I have the power to control things in m sleep because it is my brain after all. It was difficult in the beginning the same as all the other things we’ve done for the first time. Then I was able to do it after some practice and willful intent. But what puzzles me is that, I can’t force myself to dream about something and dream of it the way I want it to. It baffles me that once a dream starts, I am able to hit the pause button and decide if I want it to continue or hit the stop button and move to the next channel but I can’t fully control how my mind works while unconscious.

Dreams, thoughts and ideas are mind events that we are able to control to some degree. And as much as we would argue about it, life is nothing different that our dream world. Some events and decisions are up to us but some we just have to go through. We are in control of our life – to some degree and we should exploit that capability to the most we can.