Some
mornings I wake up and ask myself, did I really think I can do this?
My
heart is filled with thick, black smoke. I have everything figured out since I
was 7. I knew what I wanted to become and I was firm about it. I made that
decision long before adults would start asking kids “what do you want to be
when you grow up”. I was a grown up even before I began growing. I have
everything mapped out – school, work, career, family, old age, death.
Indeed
all these things happened. Some did not materialize exactly as I thought it
would be but overall, I was on schedule. I have thought about all the emotions
I would go through as well and surprisingly, I was not wrong to any of it. I
may have missed a feeling or two but otherwise, all is well.
Some
mornings I wake up and ask myself, did I really think I can make it?
I
walked out of the bright room into the darkness. I puffed a smoke of cigarette
in the middle of the icy backyard of the basement of a house we call home. My lungs
are filled with fresh air as I inhaled the tarry, dirty, smoke. It’s odd how I
breathe better with smoke.
I
went back to the bright room and I am just spent. I have lost myself in a
matter of weeks. I make coffee but never have the chance to taste it anymore. I
think of brushing my teeth but don’t remember doing it. I hold my hair brush in
my tired hands but my hair remained a mess. Where did myself go?
Some
mornings.. may be I won’t wake up no more.
