the good and the bad

It is hard to forget how dark an empty room is than to recall how flashy and bright a red carpet hall is.

While children are playing in the newly installed playground at school, I was sitting in a far away bench contemplating on how I can turn my life around. I was 5 then. Innocence is bliss and it escaped me even before I realize it exists. At times I would think I was robbed of childhood. I was robbed of the joy it has to offer because of certain circumstances that are either mine or the world’s fault. It is depressing to talk about it but the feeling today when I try to recall the details isn’t so bad. In fact, I would choose the same path if I have to go through it again; not that I want to do that though.

I decided to keep up with unnecessary torture thinking it was what I deserve. I was foolish to think that people who surrounded me were worth all the sacrifice. One ordinary night it just occurred to me that they aren’t and that my values are much more important. I finally knocked myself awake and realized that I cannot give in to be trapped in an abyss and let myself be swallowed by darkness completely. I figured out a way out of that endless, dark and stinky tunnel that is the result of lack of self confidence.

I remember that day when I walked into a hallway full of unrecognized faces. I decided I wanted to do it alone. I walked past the unfamiliar faces trying to ignore anyone who might know me. I walked fast enough so no one can catch up to me. I found my name in that wall full of so many other names. I made the list – finally. Everything went white and I was numb with joy. I wanted the world to stop and just savor that once in a lifetime feeling.

It is hard to forget the pain and sorrow but it is when we learn the most; than to recall how flashy and bright a red carpet hall is but that moment urges us to keep going.

born identity

How the universe or the Great Being, to whomever we believe in, drafted our lives will remain a mystery even after death, reincarnation or after life. No one had a say as to what kind of life we will be brought into the earth. The gift of choice and decision came after we inhaled the first breath of air of which moment we have no full comprehension. It appears that we are characters in a storybook called life where we were each a given character and we are expected to play that role till the end. Only, however the story unfolds is entirely up to us. The parameters and plot of our journey through existence is never pre-determined nor final. The greatest power given to us grants us the full capability to make changes and rise above what was set.

It remains vivid in my brain how I played my character moving within the plot set for me. I recall every decision I made, every little choice I opted to take, every bit of challenge I both failed and succeeded. I am unsure to this point if I had given my character justice the way I lived it but I sure did the best I can, at least the best I think it could be done. Even if I go back as far as my memory can reach I don’t think I will do it any other way.

Now a new season premieres in this storybook as my most special day passed me by insignificantly. Perhaps I have gotten used to it being non-extravagantly exceptional. Since I left home, I have not had a remarkable one that when I ponder on it makes me feel ordinary. Instances such as these makes it difficult not to cling to the past because they were awesome times and harder even to embrace the present because it’s just not what I hoped it will be. In search for deeper meanings, I turn to the unseen, the Creator, to faith. And the message of all circumstances ends up to be – we need to be appreciative and thankful for what we have and think about those who have less and yet contented. 

 And so I am.

gain from pain

There are all kinds of pain and we can never be out of words to describe how something we cannot fully touch and see bring tears into our insides and give a full feeling on our throat that we feel like a weight is upon us. Every time we are in agony or think that we are, it almost always feels like it’s the most painful. It’s so undesirable that no one would dare wish for it. On the contrary, however distasteful the thought of being in pain is, its absence won’t make it better.

I’m not a sucker for pain but the thought of not feeling the loss of someone because pain is nonexistent is unimaginable. Not being able to wallow in your room after a tearful heartbreak would be more than pain itself. Not to feel despair after taking a life or after a deeply emotional fight with a dear friend would be more than one can take. 

In reality, emotion sets us apart from all beings created and whether we accept it or not, it is what drives us into becoming something else than we already are. And even if emotion is not all good sorts of feeling, the not so good ones are those that make us better, stronger and wiser. We do not learn more from pain as against the feeling of happiness and elation but we do discover as much from it – about ourselves, the people around us, of the world and everything else that comes with life. So I guess the next time you don’t feel so joyous, try looking past the pain and find goodness in it. It will be difficult but if you find it, understand its reality, who knows how it may change your view about pain.

the family man

I was sitting on my bed reading my messages on my inbox when I was interrupted by an incoming call and I was surprised to see who it was. She usually asks me to call her – it’s my Mom. She told me they’re going to the province tonight. Uncle Ed left us and they just found out.
Death is inevitable and it is a certainty – we just don’t know when it’s gonna come for us. People always tell us that it comes when we least expect it – of course! Not unless we could peg a date on our calendar and prepare ourselves for it entirely. Even those whose days are counted cannot say when for sure. This makes me want to hate surprises.
I didn’t have time to ask Mom any more questions. They are bringing Uncle to Bicol where he will be settled. He came from the province yesterday and Mom said they still had time to talk and throw a few jokes with him. I guess that was the final goodbye. It is a wonderful way to leave if you ask me. To be able to see your family one last time before you go. I wonder how Uncle Ed felt the day before, the last time he shut his eyes to sleep, the last thing he thought of, the last prayer he said and the last plan he made.
I had the chance to know him when he stayed at our home for a few months when I was a kid. He loves dogs and he cooks superb. I didn’t get the chance to talk to him as an adult and exchange opinions about politics and nature or life. But I know he’s one to talk to.
I’m not sure if I will be there to see him off but I offer this prayer for him.
Dear God, our beloved Uncle Ed has finally returned to you. We thank you for sharing him with us. We thank you for giving us a chance to know such a family man. He helped raise his siblings and deserve the honor of whatever his siblings have achieved and become. He may not have a family of his own but truly he showed he could be a good father. We know he’s now at peace with you and the rest of our family who went on ahead of us. We pray that you take his soul in your care and bring him to eternal peace. We know that he will still be looking after all of us, there, with you. We love you Uncle Ed. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.

The Detonator

The coming together of two individuals to weave a new life of existence as one, creating new members of the society that would eventually walk a similar path is a mystery unfolding and presenting itself in different fashion almost always. Collaborators conveniently named as fate, destiny, choice, love, divine intervention and fidelity give rise to complexities such as commitment, relationship, an understanding, marriage and family. People’s understanding of all these pulsating words is often vague while emotions take the lead and mediate on incongruity.

Watching relationships inspire and destroy people is the same as watching a war film where it usually begins with scenes depicting each soldiers happy life with their family and friends, establishing how ideal and content they are. You are left there in dismay as you watch each noble man, with dreams of their own, march to combat and breathe their last as the film comes to an end. Memories are the only remnants and tears from the heart because of the hurt and loss.

If there could only be a way to recognize the face of the enemy then it could be prevented. If only it is possible to cover all perimeters and ensure the safety of each relationship towards the end of its journey, there could be no end to the bliss.

Judging the stability of each union from the length of togetherness each couple had lasted is the weakest aspect. There are multiple reasons why people decide to stay intact for a number of years and these reasons do not always point to an objective purpose. Reasons that benefit third party, kith and kin, status quo of participants involved, career and ambitions really do not count as objects of choosing to be together for mutual happiness.

Age and maturity has always been relative. Relativity really leads to more ambiguity and less actual point that could be worked on. This aspect is more of a dead end. The choices are simply to back it up and find another way out of a web of vagueness with the hope of finding what you are searching for or go straight into the void and remain in the abyss, not knowing what went wrong until the end of time and settle there. It is mostly the resort of cowards and for a loss of better word, losers.

It therefore renders this whole analysis into another dead end, an endless nothingness of no reason and clarity. Still the outcome of a blossoming event cannot be predetermined even with systematic study of logic, psyche and reasons. A voice without a sound form a silent but firm command to simply let the beauty of love and intellect unfold on its own and discover the meaning of the whole lot along your journey.

forgotten

I still could not believe myself that I totally forgot my sister's birthday. She tried telling me the night before and insisted that we stay up until midnight but besides the fact that we need to be ready so early on her birthday to leave the province, I was also feeling really sick and I just have to be alright for work the following day - her birthday.

I know how hurt it must have felt to be around your family and people closest to you and yet no one remembered. I would've felt worse. Hence, I feel as much guilt for being like all the others when she expects me to remember of all people.

This has been almost a month now but I still haven't thought of a way to show her my sincerest apology.

promise and compromise

As mush as I do not want to turn this blog into another version of my journal, I just couldn’t help it. Making my feelings known somehow unloads me. I’ve been feeling heavy since the weekend and I haven’t been sleeping right. Although that might not be considered a sign, me being a nocturnal being; I still insist that all those sleepless nights are clearly associated with the issue. It fills my heart with smoke of anger and frustration that I haven’t talked about this to those involved. It didn’t occur to me that money could get in our way, this much and as such.

The only consolation for this hurt is the certainty that after we talk about it, I would feel so much better. But at times I stop and wonder – will it be forever?